the longest journey

This has been the longest journey that I have ever partaken in. After many years of trying different methods to bring a child into our lives, we turned to the Westmead Fertility Centre. Little did we know that our journey had just begun. We did not know much about IVF at this stage. All we knew is that we had exhausted our other resources. I feel that by the time you reach IVF you are already tired of the disappointment. I personally thought if you actually had an embryo, of course this would lead to a pregnancy. After my first transfer I was so excited "I was technically pregnant" . This is the closest I had ever been.

I did not make it to my blood test. I could not understand that even at this stage there is still a large percentage working against you. My second transfer I actually made it all the way to my first blood test. I knew I was pregnant. I was so happy. I could not believe it. I made it! It was a long road to follow but a great destination. I told the nurse that took my blood how happy I was. The nurse said to me .. Just because you made it to this day doesn't mean you are pregnant'. I didn't listen because I knew better. That afternoon I got the call I had a negative result 1 was not pregnant. Again, I could not understand what the world had against me.

I took a few months away from the clinic. I was emotionally and physically drained. I went on a mini break and did some painting and cleaning that I had let go of in the past to help the potential pregnancy, because as we all know there is a reason why these babies "don't work". I have heard everything from "don't use soap because it can affect the embryo", to "don't try so hard and than it will happen", "stop wanting a baby and you will fall pregnant naturally", "go to a natural path and take herbs and you will have a baby", "It didn't work for me until I had taken vitamin E tablets", "Don't have any caffeine, chocolate, sugar or anything artiflciar', "Don't stretch, lift or do anything strenuous". I have heard all of these and more from everyone around me. If there is one thing I am never short of, it is people telling me what I should do next time or why it didn't work.

In the back ground to all of this are the people supporting us... in the wrong way! I also get "1 will get pregnant with you", well that is great but when they have had three kids and you are still trying for one it is not an emotional booster. I also get 'until you have a baby and you can't sleep and you have to change your life" I think I am waiting! I am changing my life! I'm not sleeping! I am stabbing my self in the stomach every day with needles! I feel sick! I feel sore! Can anyone hear me!?!

A few years on I still get all of this great support and all the great disappointment this part doesn't change. But I have learnt there is only one part I can change and that is my perception and how I learn to deal with the continued let downs. These days I am a lot stronger on the outside but, yes, it still hurts as bad on the inside. I now know that I have to keep going in my life and more importantly living as though it will never happen. But in my heart I know that as long as my body is healthy enough for another implantation and IVF that I must keep trying. If by chance one day a baby is brought into this world, I will cherish my child for as long as I live and change my life to develop a family. But if this never eventuates I can still love my family and friends and their children.

I can help out in the community and help other people's children. I know that I don't want my love to be wasted. I can put my love to good use. If we don't show our love to others we would start to die on the inside. All I can say is love with all of your heart every day of your life; even if this miracle does not ever happen there are so many other miracles in this world that we can not miss. Love life, Love your family and Love the fact you can give your Love to anyone around you at any time. I send my Love to everyone around me who is going through this with me. I know I am not alone.