our dream

Having children was always our dream but it wasn't until about a year and a half ago that we had to face the fact that our dream may never come true. Having absolutely no medical background, we'd only ever heard of the IVF program on TV or in the news and yet since we've started its amazed us just how many people are in a similar situation. It's funny but if someone had told me two years ago that I would be giving myself needles, I'd of laughed and yet here I am, an expert!

Our first cycle is almost a year ago now and yet I still remember it like it was yesterday. I used to cry when I first started doing my needles and things only got worse when I had to start mixing the medication. I'd cut my fingers on the bottles and then panic when the needles drew blood. It wasn't until my second cycle, when I spoke to one of the nurses about my problems, that I managed to pick up a few handy hints. I think the only thing you just never get used to is a failed cycle. So far I've had four, plus two transfers have been cancelled at the last minute. When my first cycle failed I was a mess. I was absolutely devastated because although my brain had told me that it may not work, my heart was convinced that I was going to be one of the lucky ones.

Every time I've had friends and family telling me that it's ok because it'll happen next time, but of course I keep on proving them wrong. I've been on an emotional roller-coaster ride now for about a year. I cry at the drop of a hat and my mood swings have been unbelievable. We fight regularly and yet we haven't stopped loving one another. The key to survival is support. I'm constantly saying "just love me and be there for me". I know he tries but at time I just wish he could understand how I'm feeling and why I abuse him when I'm struggling to cope. In the end I know it will all be worth it but at the moment it's really tough.

I spent every minute of every day thinking about the program and just dreaming about the day that I can tell him we're pregnant. And I know that the day will come, hopefully sooner than later... To think it would ever come to this? All my adversity to taking drugs, dealing with needles, rushing to and from the hospital, fibbing about time off work - I never thought I could take it on. Then all of a sudden I was 41, childless and it was IVF or bust!